Monday, December 1, 2008

Where am I?? Who am I??

Gawd! I can't believe how long it's been since I've touched my blog. I feel like I'm in a stranger's house!

Everything has been kindly thrown to the way side since our double wammie hurricane season in September. Mother Nature was not kind to us people.

Just to update things a bit....5K in Oct....didn't happen....Tae Kwan Do tournament in Oct....didn't happen.

What DID happen was a month filled with evacuating, returning home, clean up, hunkering down again for storm number two, then cleaning up the fall out.

Our Do Jang, across the street from my house, had two feet of water in it, so the tournament was canceled. I've never been so happy that we went through the painstaking task of lifting our home a year ago. It was a big pain in the ass, but definantly worth it once the water started rising.

Classes are finally back on track and I tested for, and received my green tip belt this past week, so I'm super excited about that. That was something else that was supposed to take place in September, but didn't due to our Mother Nature beat down.

I've decided to look for some sanity in the place that brought me here to begin with. I'm done with worrying about getting work done on the house, husbands that would rather be doing something else other than working on said house and contractors who can't seem to show up on time, or even show up at all. Done, Done, Done.

It's time to concentrate on something that I DO have control

Our spring tournment is tentatively scheduled for March. Time to focus and become the ass kicking machine I know I can be.

Friday, August 15, 2008

I Think I Can, I Think I Can....

My new counter has me feeling like the little engine that could. I was about 2 seconds away from nipping the Fund Run in the bud in order to concentrate on the tournament, but I thought about it and decided that I can do both....Right??
If I can keep my legs healthy, the running will help with my TKD training.

That is the question of the hour though. Can I keep my legs healthy??

I think I can, I think I can.....

Monday, August 11, 2008

Birthday Bliss....

My biggun turned 12 this weekend. I honestly think that it's the first party that I "enjoyed," because I didn't freak out over the details. Usually, I'm running around trying to make sure that everything is perfect...I get cranky, Ryan get's cranky and it's just not that much fun for any of us. In all honesty J could give 2 flips about "perfection" and neither could the guests.

Kind of ironic how imperfection can be perfect. I think I'm learning.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Doing the Yellow Belt Happy Dance..

Well I don't technically have it, but I DID pass my test! My TKD hero realized, after already telling me that I was testing, that he didn't have a belt for me. He actually asked me if I wanted to wait for the belt to come in before he tested me! I couldn't say, "Hell no! Are you crazy?" fast enough.

I spent the entire class knowing that he was watching me, and if you can believe it after my last testing experience, I wasn't nervous in the least! He pulled me aside at the end of class to do one steps, a couple of combinations and my last two forms. The hardest part was trying to hide the pain on my face, caused by a strained calf, that I've been struggling with for a week now. I wasn't about to allow a gimp leg get in the way of my belt!

Yes, I strained my GOOD leg. Now I have no good leg. I have a sore leg, and a less sore leg. I've learned from my fellow "old folgy" comrades... all three of them, that unlike the young folks, it's normal to hurt on a regular basis.

I do have to say that I was flattered beyond belief when they asked how old I was. One had guessed 26, the other 28. The third guy knew me before TKD, so he laughed right along with me, at their shocked expressions, when I told them I was 34.

I mean come on people! J is 12 next week, so I would have had to been 12 when I gave birth, to be 26!

Then one of them said," J is 12??!!" The other said,"He's your kid?? I thought he was your little brother!" I do have to admitt that I act like a big kid with him most of the time. He's my wittle buddy. The fact that he calls me "mom", must have been lost upon my old folgy friend, who is all of 38 himself.

What can I say, I suppose we both look young. He was accused of being 9 at the Ear Doctor's office, by the new nurse, a couple of weeks ago. He HATES it. You should have seen his face, when she asked him if he wanted some stickers! He'll love it when he's 34, I promise.

So with the help of all the flattery, and my new belt rank I was on cloud nine leaving class last night, gimp legs and all.

I did feel a little empty inside when I didn't have my belt to put around my waist, but I got over it quickly. It's just a symbol right?? I don't need anyone else to see a Yellow-belt around my waste for me to be filled with pride. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself.

Now I just have to learn another form before the end of September, and correct my foot position on my side kick. Patience is not my forte... can ya tell?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

UNCF Fund Run 5K...

It has been one of my mental blocks since I did it last year. I wanted to do well so badly. It's like I was desperate for something, and when I didn't do well it went into the big pile of disappointments that I had collected.

It started out with pain, a calf strain that I tried to run through. I ended up injuring myself with a tear that still haunts me to this day. Every time I get up in distance, I won't say milage because I hardly think 1.50 can be called "milage", it rears it's ugly head, and I quit.

I also didn't get much support. My WW running friends were FABULOUS in that department, but my family, with the exception of Ryan, was another story all together. They still don't get why I love to run.

Even though I hoped like hell, Ryan knew he'd be in the middle of the Gulf working. He was so supportive he even bought a GPS for me and "pep talked" me everyday. He was like the guy on,"The Water Boy." YOU CAN DO IT!!

My dad was freaked out about my going into the city, "alone" to do the race, yet they weren't willing to come with me. It's not like I was running in the middle of the 9th ward, alone and in the middle of the night. I was running around Audibon Park, in the Garden District, with a thousand other people!!

Ryan says it's their way of manipulating the situation. My parents don't think it's safe to ride a motercycle, so when we want to go ride they make a thousand and one excuses why they can't babysit. Same thing here, they refused to babysit. I was angry, hurt and feeling like a cagged animal ready to pounce.
It was the beginning of the end, of the woman I used to be. I was basically the poster child for, "Angry White Female."

After talking to my sister, she said that she would go with me and watch M while J stayed at her house with her husband.

I say it was the beginning of the end, because before this I would have just given up and stayed home. I wanted this so badly. I was tired of being told what to do, and what I was or wasn't capable of. Even now I hate that I allowed myself to be that person.

Not smart enough, not pretty enough, never skinny enough....too skinny. That friend isn't good enough, that boy isn't good enough, can't sing well enough, can't write well enough. Kids?? are you crazy? You'll just fuck that up too! LUCKY to be a dental assistant. Fortunate that such an educated, intellegent person is fooled into thinking you're good enough. No, I'm not exaggerating. Story of my life. I've learned through LOTS of therapy that my mother is the one with the issues, not me.

You see, my mom has this screwed up thinking that she's "protecting" us from failure, by dicouraging us from doing things were we may not successful. It's not because she doesn't love us, it's because she doesn't KNOW how to express her love other than her fucked up idea of protecting us from disappointment. She never got the concept that failure builds character, as well as success. Without failure you have nothing to work for. In her eyes failure just equals hurt. I don't think anyone ever taught her that success is in trying, not in winning, so you never fail unless you don't try.

I wonder if she has a clue that it hurts more than helps, especially when you get the inevidable, " I told you so." if you don't make it. Who cares that I made District Honer Choir four years in a row! I didn't make State, so I sucked. She wonders why I couldn't sing in front of her, it was an actual physical reaction when she was in the room. I really wasn't being a stubborn little bitch,like she thought. Dispite my eyerolls and saddy additude I was balled up on the inside;

I've learned that I can't sit around and wait for people to love me the way I need to be loved. There are some things that you simply can't change. The only thing I can do is be the kind of daughter that I can live with being, and maybe one day she'll appreciate that for what it is.

For me, this was so much more than a race. I wasn't running against a clock or the people running next to me. I was running against myself, trying to out race my demons, I failed miserably. I put on a brave face and did a good job of "acting" proud of myself, but I wasn't.

I wasn't ready for that race and it had absolutly nothing to do with my physical injury.

After alot of work, I'm in a different place this year. Even if I have to walk it in again, I'm ready to leave it on the course. It's the last peice of my past that I need to make right.

I have 11 weeks and a sore tendon in my leg, the haunting, poorly healed injury that I mentioned before. My PT friend has assured me that I should be able to train as long as I train smart. Lots of stretching, lots of strength training, lots of ice even when it doesn't hurt. No running without shoes, because of my high arches.

We do a good bit of barefoot running in Tae Kwan Do. Thankfully, my instructor is super helpful, and has begun giving me a minute to throw shoes on whenever necessary. I puffy heart my TKD peeps.

Oct. 5th, UNCF Fund Run. Bang or bust, run or walk, here I come! I've got some buisness to work out. It's demon killing time!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Let's Get The Sillies Out...

You gotta jump, shake, shimmy them out...*dancing like a fool, with a bright ass yellow hat*

Being me is so exhausting! My therapist once told me that I have to learn how to be own best friend. Rather than be self punishing, be self lifting..blah, blah, blah.

How the heck do you do that?? It seems like a nice concept, but it's kind of hard to pull off sometimes. What has shaken my confidence you ask?? I suppose it comes with my bright idea of going back to school. I'm currently studying for my ACT in an attempt to further my education. I'm sadly realizing how far I have to go to reach my goal. Who the heck decided that fractions needed to be added anyways?? Especially the ones with an uncommen denominator? I mean REALLY?

Sometimes I feel like I'm on my treadmill running, running, running, yet never getting anywhere.

Will I run today?? um, maybe I'll just walk today, and run tomorrow. Will I eat right today?? After I eat all of the chocolate, I might TRY to squeeze in a salad. Will I grasp fractions today?? I'm sure gonna try REALLY hard....AGGGHHHHH!

Snap out of it!! Two weeks of this crap is more than enough girlie! Get off the pity pot and make it happen! Mop the floors, organize the mail, wash the windows and you'll feel better...I promise.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My Yellow Piece of Tape

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I was a bundle of nerves as the hour approached for my very first belt test. I was well prepared and confident in my ability but I was still freaking out. I knew after attending my fair share of belt tests for J what was going to happen, but I still couldn't get out of my own head.

Random thoughts run through my head while my palms begin to sweat. What am I doing?? I'm too old, I'm too fat, I'm too insecure and I'm wearing it like a highway road sign for all to see. My stomach is huge and my ass is even bigger and the Do Bak (uniform) is very unforgiving. What if I'm the only one who doesn't pass?

What the hell am I thinking? I feel raw and exposed in front of this gymnasium full of strangers who are sure to be thinking all the same things, though in my heart I know they're too busy watching their son's and daughter's to even notice I'm there. It took me a couple of classes to ignore the parents who sit in on class and this is different, and different is uncomfortable.

As the testing instructor starts with the warm up exercises I start to relax a little because this is familer. I wonder what the other instructors are whispering as they bend their heads tward each other and scrutinize every move.

As we begin with kicks I panic a little because the one leading us is using the Korean words for the kicks and though I've heard them a million times in class it still takes a while for my brain to process it into: down kick, front snap, side, round...

When it's time for combinations he starts calling on us one at a time to tell him what kicks we are about to do and my mind is screaming, "please don't call on me...please."

Of course he did, and I got the last of the combination of three wrong. Imagine my horror as he asks the 10 year old standing to my left to correct me LOL

Shake it off....

Combinations are over and I look over to the table of instructors in the front of the room and our assistant instructor gives me a big smile and shakes his head in approval. Ok, so maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.

We move on to the forms portion of the test and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We do Basic Form One and Chungi all together, and then he asks all of the yellow tips to sit down. The table of instructors laugh, as well as everyone else in the gym, when the last one standing is little ol me.

Chungi form, no count. Which means the instructor doesn't set the pace with a count, it's your job to keep it smooth and fluent without hesitation between moves. I try to quiet my mind, because I know that thinking too much during this is form suicide. I know the movements and I just let my body take over.

Not to brag but I did Chungi like I've NEVER done Chungi before. Every movement was precise. My stance was wide, wrists were straight with elbows slightly bent, belly button facing the right direction. My sleeves and pant legs even snapped with every was golden.

When I'm finished I sneak peek at the instuctors table again, and the two that are my very own have smiles plastered across their faces and I knew I had done good. The leading instructor then says, "I think that deserves a round of applause." I try to hide my grin as I breath a sigh of relief and take my seat as the others rise to the sound of MY applause still ringing through the gym....OK so I liked that part a little bit LOL

I get to watch as they do Taegeuk Il Chang, the next form I will learn. I'm thinking, "OK, I'm good. The only thing left is one steps and I don't have to do that"...or so said my instructor who didn't teach me one steps said.

Once they are done we are then instructed to make two lines facing each other and I panic because I know what's coming and he's not pulling me from the line! I look over to the table and my instructor is not there to rescue me...people have to take phone calls at the MOST inoppertune times!

I see my A.I. making his way to the back side of my line, breaking the cardinal rule because they are not allowed to instruct us. Yet he stands well away from me and makes believe he's checking out the other students, not really sure what to do himself since this is beyond his reach as an assistant. He keeps glancing over at me...smiling and shaking his head for moral support. I LOVE that guy!

When the T.I comes close enough to me I confess that I don't know one steps, thinking he will then pull me from the line.

"Who's your instructor?" he asks as he rolls his eyes a little. When I tell him he just chuckles because my instructor is the head of our association and basically is his boss so he then says," Just do the best you can and we'll forgive you." I stumble through the one steps and THEN we have to test terminolgy....

O come on! My nerves can't take anymore! Give me my tape already!

Finally the much anticipated moment arrives and I stand alone, in my line of one, while I wait or my tape.

I will always remember my first peice of tape fondly. After years of teasing J over his expensive tape every time he earned a tip I finally get it. It's so much more than just a piece of tape. It's a badge of honer and for me a personal accomplishment as well as a Tae Kwan Do one. Someone I know said it best when he said, "The degree on my wall is just a piece of paper but look at what it represents."

One day I'll be able to look back and shake my head at myself for not believing in me as much as everyone else. Hopefully, I'll be about 50 pounds lighter with a black belt around my waist.

For now the pride of not allowing my insecurities to be my brick wall, keeping me from attaining my goal is enough.

I hated every second of it, yet loved it with every ounce of my being, all wrapped into one crazy mess which is me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Running Stroller Hell

I think this picture accuratly depicts my run today, except instead of a sausage on a stick M was holding my water bottle and i-pod. I decided that instead of being teathered to the treadmill I should attempt to enjoy the great outdoors. I packed up my little munchkin and dusted off the running stroller. I've only used it 3 times and I quickly was reminded of why it was a waste of my money.

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First of all it's very difficult to explain to a toddler that if mommy goes a mile in one direction mommy has to go a mile in the other direction in order to get home. Mommy can't blink her eyes "I Dream Of Geni" style and be matter how loud you scream on the side of the road....with people looking out their doors and cars slowing to a crawl to make sure a call to 911 is not necessary.

Move along people! Nothing to see here!

As for the stroller itself it's a real pain in the ass to have to hold on to the damn thing. Messes up the rythmn, not to mention what pushing 40 pounds will do for the forearms. Unless there's some secret to pushing the thing without at least one hand keeping it straight to avoid traffic....anyone??

I'm proud to admitt that I showed great restraint to the tune of , "mommy, I wanna go home," sung in high middle C. Playing in traffic was an appealing notion after about 5 minutes of it. I SMOKED that last quarter mile just so she'd shut up!

I think the running stroller will be reserved for runs at the park. The car in the parking lot makes for a quicker get away rather than hoofing it all the way home.

Someone please remind me why I do this to myself ya, I'm super fat still and I don't want to be anymore yadda, yadda, yadda.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Learning To Let Go

After a full day of yard work I suited up to vaccum the pool.

I've never been able to swim a day in my life and I didn't want the same for our kids so we recently purchased a pool. It was a big leap on my part because though Ryan and J can swim like fish M and I can't.

M has been getting in there with her little floaties and kicking and doing fantasitic. It's a far cry from a couple of weeks ago when she didn't even want to get in the water. Of course we're still going to do lessons but getting her over the fear so she can get something out of them is half the battle.

The first day I got into the pool with Ryan he tried to show me the basics. His words still ring fresh in my ears, "Just let go, everyone floats, you just have to relax."

Relax?? Me?? HA!! That's funny.

After about 10 minutes my frustrated husband, who's patience could fit in a thimble, found trying to catch a glimpse of my boobs without the kidlets seeing more fun than teaching me how to swim. So that was that and I was destined to be attached to a pool noodle for the rest of my life. Too bad floaties don't come in adult.

So I'm in the pool today doing the vaccuming with J's snorkle gear because I've learned it's much easier to vaccum when you can see the bottom of the pool. I find myself struggling to stay under the water. I do my chore and think...OK I'm in the pool by myself without a 3 year old trying to climb on me so let's see what I can do.

As I lay on my back I remember what Ryan said, " Tilt your head so that the biggest part of your head is in the water." HA! OK I'm floating but I legs hang and my feet want to touch bottem.

I then remember this episode of "America's Next Top Model" and they're doing a photo shoot in a pool with the models floating. They were supposed to look like Water Fairies or somthing. One of the models didn't know how to float and I could hear Tyra in the back of my head telling her, "Just arch your back and relax. Don't forget to elongate the neck." Ok, so that second part was for the modeling not floating LOL

Holy Shit!!! I'm floating!

Let me see what happens if I move my arms and legs.....OK, still above water...still moving the limbs...still above water!! ...hitting head on the side of pool because I've swam, YES SWAM to the side!!

Shit, shit, shit!!

10 minutes later, I'm still floating AND swimming from one end of the pool across and back....on my back.

I then decide to get a little more courageous and downed the snorkle gear once again. I switch to my stomach and YES!! I can float that way too!! Though certainly not pretty, I can get across the pool. I've floundered across the pool a couple of times before in this manner but it's much easier to let yourself "float" and propel yourself rather than using your arms and legs to try to stay up....durf! I get it now!

I can't wait for Ryan to get home from work so I can show him what I've learned to do. I suppose I could all along, I just had to learn how to let go.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

High School Reunions

My 15 year is tonight. My BFF has been BEGGING me for weeks now to go. I've come up with a long laundry list of reasons why I can't but the simplest one is....I just don't want to.

Ryan isn't home and I'd have to go as the third wheel instead of a double date. My mother is sick and I don't want to ask her to baby sit, though she would. I would only be there to hang out with the people I liked enough to stay friends with and I hang out with her all the time anyway...... Though there is this one guy that I'd love to hang with but I don't know if the Pres. allowed him leave to make it. Yes, John L, I'm talking about you.

Most importanty it doesn't represent a happy, simpler time for me. It sucked, badly. I was never a good student and I was a year behind my actual "class" so all my friends that I had had since kindergarten had graduated the year before. When I failed I didn't care about failing....didn't care about much of anything.

If there had been Emo when I was a teenager, that would have been me...on the inside. On the outside I was perfectly dressed without a hair out of place and my make up was perfect unless I fell asleep in class and I smugged my mascara.

I'll never forget when the football star, who was failing just as badly as I was, tried to cheat off of me in Geometry. I never laughed so hard before in my life. I had to thank him for putting a smile on my face for once in my 5....yes 5 years of High School. It wasn't until that last year that my failing hurt. All my friends were gone except my now BFF. I was just, blah. I didn't go to Homecoming, didn't go to Prom. It DID give me one extra try at All-State Choir though but that wasn't quit enough consolation.

About the only good thing that happened that year was meeting Ryan. I actually met him at my grandparent's because I wasn't allowed out of the house. I was on lock down for packing up my things on my 18th birthday and moving out, under LOTS of protest from my mother. Yeah, I'd call dragging me back to the house by the hair from my spot on the corner where I waited for my friend to pick me up.... a hostile.

I still snuck away though. It was sweet! While my mother was at the driver's window telling my friend to just go home I snuck around the back and climbed into the passenger side and told her," just drive." We were so "Thelma and Louise," with her baby in the back set sleeping.

I think I was the only legal adult that had to run away from home. I went back about three months later when I got hungry. Turns out my friend who was living on her own , on wellfare, with her daughter couldn't make it after her mother, who was an old friend of my mom's, cut her off for taking me in. Even my measly pay check I earned for frying up chicken at Popeye's, couldn't compare to her "allowance" that had been put on hold. I was about to get fired anyway for not being able to tell the difference between a breast and a thigh after two months. I really was a pampered princess and didn't know it. Lock down was good, it was better than the street.

So while everyone was shopping for Prom dresses I was shopping for wedding dresses. Ryan still teases me that I married him only to get out of my parent's house. There MAY have been a very TINY bit of truth to that but the happiness he brought to me outshined my need to be rescued from the dungeon. The fact that my mother hated him and he looked like James Hetfield from Metallica was a plus too.

The class vice-president...or was she the secretary??. I don't remember.

She's e-mailed me twice to see if I'm going and I have a good feeling it's only because they're mentally counting the money that they'll recoupe for the next shin dig. It CERTAINLY is not because I was that popular with the "head of the class" peeps who are in charge of this thing.

I'm just at the point in my life where I'm learning to walk away from my past and live for today. I finally feel "light" for once.

Maybe in another five years I'll be ready for the big 20 but for now, I think staying home with the sprouts and goofing off in the pool after running my last set of 4/1 intervals will be much more fun and fulfilling.

M has taken to wearing every stitch of clothing she owns in one given day. She's been struggling to get into a pair of winter PJ's, that are her favorite, for about an hour now. The zipper was stuck and even I couldn't get them undone.

She just brought them to me, zipper fully fuctional and when I asked, "How'd you do that?" She put her hands on her three year old hips, poked out her chest and said, "muscles, mommy!"

Yup, much more fun than a reunion filled with memories of a life I'd rather forget....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


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It's what I kept telling myself as I watched the clock on my treadmill tick away the last of my run 4 of my intervals this morning.

Focus on the music blaring from the i-pod. Focus on your breathing. Focus on the racing number of your first and only 5K attempt...ok, maybe don't focus on that. Focus on anything except the stupid clock! What's 4 minutes of your life anyway, right? RUN YOU PISSY LITTLE BITCH!

Sorry, I'm sometimes brutal on myself when I'm attempting to talk myself out of quiting. Maybe I should make a list and hang it where that stupid number is to refer to in my moments of weakness. Here goes nothing!

Why I Run by:me

~ I run because I'm still super fat and I don't want to be anymore.

~ I run because I don't want to take the same path of family related diabetes, arthritis, knee replacement, heart disease and most importantly I don't want to be dead when I have way more life in my heart than what I have left in my body.

~ I run because I LOVE the sound of my 3 year old daughter's voice when she yells," mommy! you running?!" Though my first 5K sucked the sound of her voice as I crossed the finish line made me feel like a winner.

~ I run because I LOVE the sound of pride in my son's voice when he tells his friends, "my mom runs," or when he says, "mom, can I go run with you?"

~ I run because I LOVE the way the first 10-15 minutes feel, I just wish the last 10-15 felt as great.

~ I run because I can. 50 pounds ago I found it difficult to walk, carry my daughter, hold my head up high.....

~ I run because I WILL make it to 20, 30 and who knows how long without QUITING!

OK, I think I'm focused now....

Monday, June 16, 2008

There you are!!

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I knew I'd find my GAD (Give a Damn) for my WLJ (Weight Lose Journey) somewhere! It's time to get back to the basics. It's not gonna happen all by itself for sure. Cleaning out the pantry then making a list and checking it twice.....Santa's not commin to town but I still need to get rid of the cookies anyway. *sob*

Friday, June 13, 2008

Life Lessons 101, Tae Kwan Do Style

When I first started Tae Kwan Do I was a meek and insecure little creature. I was afraid to say the Korean words wrong so I allowed everyone else to let out their warrior cries while I stood in the last row and "made believe "I was a martial artist. I said the words in my head but not with my mouth OR my heart. Want to know what that earned me? Push ups and lot's of em!

Why in the heck did I never think of taking Tae Kwan Do when I was working. I could have really put my new mentality to the test then.

Physical discomfort wills you to a place you never thought you'd go. It'll make you yell like a mad man, or wo-man, who's ready to reach out and steal away the courage of another. Before long you actually believe that you can and soon thereafter you KNOW you can and it's a feeling that can't be discribed.

Come on people!! It's a simple word....TAI!! Turns out it's easier to say than it is to spell.

My mind is reeling as I drop for a second set of 20. I've learned the valuable lesson of speaking up for myself but no one has ever quit explained it to me this way before. Everyone suffers right along with you for the missing voice of one. Whether it be the person doing push ups next to you or the people you've rubbed shoulders and bumped heads with for years in a place you thought was home.

Man, that SUCKED! I do NOT want to do that again! I must have REALLY pissed some people off before I found my warrier. What is wrong with him?! Does he not believe in AC?! I now know why all the black belts run to line up...they've been around long enough to score a spot by the fan!

I'll also have to remember to have a long talk with J about holding the kick pad properly because my death stares are doing no good. How the heck am I supposed to throw everything I've got into a back kick if I can't trust he'll be there with the pad!?

Even after having my heart broken by someone I greatly admired, which landed me a new career as a novice, I can't help but throw myself into everything with all the trust I have in my entire being. It's part of me and no knife can cut it away... but a hyper extended knee can, which is what happened a couple of kicks ago when the pad wasn't where it was supposed to be.

"Hold the pad right," I say through clenched teeth.

I just wanna smack him as he looks at me with those big doe eyes with the silent,"what ?" screaming from eyes filled with tears about to spill over. I don't know where the heck he get's that super sensitive shit from. Ok, now that's just funny right there. He is definantly his mother's son.

"Hold it a little tighter and slightly out son," I say as I soften my tone.

Besides, my technique isn't quit right so I'm sure that the knee thing was partially my fault....maybe.

"JUN BEE!" screams my warrior instructor.

(translation: "READY STANCE!")

I gather everything I have from deep within my tired and sweety body, while mentally willing the kid next to me to do the same because I am SO kicking his ass when we spar if I have to do another 2o.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Why not?

Is what I thought when deciding to start a blog. I've a laundry list of "new" in my life at the moment, why not add blogging to the list?

I'm a new SAHM. Not a new mom by any stretch of the word but new to being home with the kidlets. I always had a black and white "June Cleaver" image of my mother pop into my head at the thought of being unemployeed. I'm doing my best to wipe the thought from my head as I fill my life with TONS of things my mother would have never done.

I kept busy with work and a million and one things on my "to do" list until I felt like I was drowning. My wonderful husband held this offer out on a silver plater to me....He said, "You don't HAVE to work, You don't HAVE to stay home either but you DO have to be happy."

So here I am, making that happen by being a SAHM to our 3 year old daughter, something I didn't have a chance to do with our 11 year old son.

I've discovered so far that I love gardening. It's quit theraputic and one thing that I don't mind having in commen with my mother. It helps me to understand her a little better and it also gives us something to talk about.

I started taking Tae Kwan Do with my darling young man....we'll call him J. He's now a black tip while I'm a "novice" white belt, soon to be yellow tip. For years I've watched a mother and son duo, who are now both black belts, wishing that I could do that until one day I said ,"why not?"

I've also discovered a love/hate relationship with running that always seems to be on rocky ground. I take 2 steps forward only to take 3 back when I get lazy. I want to be a runner so bad that I can invision myself in awesome shape and doing races on a whime, like most of my runner friends....then I wake up and I'm strapped to my treadmill waiting for my interval to be over so I can walk for a minute.

I'm running late for a Tae Kwan Do torture session. I mean, class *grin*

I tell you no lies when I say our instructor makes Jillian Michaels from ,"The Biggest Loser," look like a softy. The man is a drill sergeant and if I'm late I'll surely have to run extra laps. Can't let THAT happen, wouldn't want the ol treadmill getting jealous.