Saturday, April 18, 2009

Green Belt....

You know, I always complain that I have nothing interesting to blog about. The truth of the matter is that I have nothing that I've not censored out of my life, that's interesting to blog about.

Once you cut out everything that's embarrassing, hurtful and humiliating there's not much left to talk about but my kids, my husband and my dog.

I'm so busy hiding from my disappointments that I'm going from one thing to the next EXPECTING hurt, humiliation and embarrassment. Instead of overcoming it, I'm consumed and controlled by it. It taints every aspect of my life, so that in my mind even the good, isn't quiet good enough.

I'm thinking that realizing this is half the battle, so here it goes.


I was already freaked out going into the belt test. So much so that I kept confusing two forms that I had to know for my LAST belt test. Come on! Give me a bUreak!

I was practicing with one of my training partners before the test and I was forgetting the simplest of things. What direction I was supposed to be facing, doing a block for Taegeuk Il Chang that was supposed to be in Taegeuk Yi Chang. I was blowed up before it even all started.

My palms were sweating, my feet felt sticky against the floor. I felt like I couldn't focus.

I calmed down a bit when the warm-up started because I didn't have to think, just do. Jumping-jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, stretching, all mindless activities. I was feeling a little more confident when we started the kicking and blocking combinations, but then they threw a few kicks in there that I had never done before. Like a jump-side. Not too bad, because it's not that different from a jump-round.

When he said jump-BACK, I think all the blood drained from my body. This is the kick that I have feared from day one, even more than spinning-hook. Took me MONTHS to get that one right, but I didn't have months. I had to do it now, on the spot, having never even TRIED it before. Fuck me....

Have you ever seen a 205 pound woman, try to do a jump-back kick?? Well neither have I. I refused to allow my husband to go to my test much less get video of it, but I'm sure it was a sight to behold.

Now I KNOW that they didn't expect any of us to be able to do it correctly, because it's an advanced kick and we're still intermediate. Still didn't matter to me in my OCD mind. Everything has to be perfect, ya know?? All wrapped up in a pretty little box to put up on the shelf of accomplishments.

We move along to the forms. We had to sit while the lower belts did theirs. Allowing muscles to get cold, limbs go to sleep, and WAY too much time to think.

I'm kind of in a daze when we get up to do our forms. Only half way paying attention because I'm too busy dwelling on what I've messed up, and all I hear is one.

You see, our instructor usually calls Taegeuk Il Chang, by it's full Korean name, but it can also be called Taegeuk 1. Yup you know it, I started doing Basic Form One and didn't realize it until four moves in. Fuck me twice....

I was a big hot mess after that. I managed to find my place in the form that I was actually SUPPOSED to be doing and completed it. I was like a deer in head lights for the remainder of the test. Going through the motions and praying for it to be over quickly. Which of course didn't happen and no matter how much I prayed the floor would NOT, open up and swallow me whole. Damn it.

Even with all of that, I managed to pass. Thank the sweet, blue eyed baby Jesus that most of the testing instructors observing have been in my class, and KNEW that I could do better.

The icing on the cake??

We get to the belt ceremony and guess what. They don't have a belt that fit me....

Please God, Please God...Nope, no hole.

Bless Mr. Matt's heart. He did his best to spare me the humiliation by tying me in and MAKING it fit. By the time it was over I had lost circulation to my lower extremities, and I couldn't get the belt I had so coveted, off fast enough. *sigh*

Three, but am I counting myself out?? Hell no.


I've pondered this for the last week or so, along with all the other crappy things that I'm dealing with at the moment. I think we need the suck ass things that go on in our lives, just as much as the good.

It brings clarity, and rather than humiliation, humility. No matter how good you do, no matter how hard you try, it may not be enough, and that's O.K.

As long as you do your best and THE best for yourself, it's all that matters.

Life isn't perfect. Sometimes that box you put up on the shelf is a little beat up, but who cares. It's a moment in time that you can never get back, so appreciate it for what it is and move on with no regrets.

One day, I'll look back at this point in my life and see it as the growing experience that it is, because I'm going to take this and let if feed me instead of allowing it tear me apart. To find the positive in negative experiences, not only in Tae Kwan Do, but in life in general.


Al's CL Reviews said...

I would have found the hole to be sucked up in!

Congrats on the belt!